You’re unsure where the sweet spot is between acting desperate and being a detached ice queen. How do you know if you’re playing hard to get or just pushing him away? And if you don’t know the difference, how will he? All you want is to be yourself and get to know him better, too. So, how can playing hard to get help you with that? Or can it?
What Does It Mean to Play Hard to Get with a Guy?
Playing hard to get isn’t about torturing your crush or letting him think you’re not interested. In fact, the best way to play this is to offer some encouragement. You’re not interested in mind games. So, you won’t do the following:
Set up a date with him and leave him to wait until he realizes you’ve stood him up; Call him up in the middle of the night just to see if he’ll answer and how he’ll react; Do everything you can get him revved up for something and then walk away.
The goal here is to see if this guy is willing to put in the effort and take some risks to show you how he feels about you. Treat him the way you want to be treated.
How to Play Hard to Get: 11 Fun and Flirty Ideas to Make Him Want You
Read through each of these examples of how to play hard to get and picture yourself in each scenario. Which ones sound most familiar? And which are the most challenging for you?
1. Don’t be available 24/7.
You’re not a machine. And if you’re okay with waiting for his response, but you expect him not to be, that’s a problem. The playing hard-to-get texting rules are about boundaries. You have a life, and so does he. Unless his message is super-urgent (or unless he’s controlling ), he won’t write you off if you can’t respond right away to every text. If he does, thank him for showing you how little you’re missing.
2. Leave your phone in another room.
Or turn it off for part of the day. If you see a text from him when you get back to it, chances are good he’ll understand that you were busy with something. It’s great when you both have time to chat back and forth in person or via text or phone call or whatever. But sometimes you need a break from your phone. Make it a regular thing.
3. Keep living your life.
Even if every fiber of your being wants to check your phone a hundred times a day, make yourself do something that puts the phone out of your mind. Remind yourself that you’ve got a life and purpose beyond your interest in him. You both need that. Do something just for you. And enjoy it. Even if he does text you, give yourself some time to breathe and think of the best response before you tap one out.
4. Let him wait a bit.
You probably did. That’s the beauty of texting: you can send each other messages without worrying that you’re interrupting something important, and the receiver can answer when it’s convenient for them. If you’ve always taken longer than a few minutes to respond to texts—because maybe you didn’t see it right away, or you were busy with other day-to-day life things—this is probably a non-issue for you. And if he’s really interested in you, this won’t be a deal-breaker for him.
5. Make an effort—without going overboard.
Use a 2:1 interaction ratio to make sure he knows you are interested. For every two calls or texts he initiates, you initiate one. Let him know the interest is mutual without blowing up his phone with random texts. It’s an ominous sign of things to come if you call him out for taking longer than a few minutes to respond to your “Whatcha doin’?’” texts. Let him make the first move twice as much as you do. And give him a chance to miss you. Once you both know the interest is mutual and strong, you can step it up to a 1:1 interaction ratio.
6. Spend time apart (doing your own things).
You don’t have to spend all your time together. More to the point, you shouldn’t. If you send the message that your time with him is the only interesting part of your day — the only thing you look forward to — the pressure is on to spend more and more time with you and to make sure every waking moment lives up to your expectations. That’s not fair to either one of you. You need to be able to enjoy your time apart from him, just as you need him to be able to enjoy his time apart from you.
7. Work on your self-confidence.
Confidence is sexy. And it’s way less stressful than the opposite. If you can enjoy your own company, chances are good he’ll pick up on that and want to spend more time with you. You don’t need his validation and affection 24/7 to know that you’re awesome, etc. That’s your job. Don’t make it someone else’s. There’s nothing wrong with your wanting him to notice and be proud of you. It’s another thing, though, to base your self-esteem on what he thinks.
8. Make time for self-care.
Self-care isn’t just warm baths and facials. Do the things that nourish you physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If you don’t honor your own needs, don’t expect anyone else to. Check out Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and make a checklist if it helps. As for wants that go above and beyond the basic, universal stuff, don’t expect him to figure that out for you. He’s not a mind-reader (any more than you are). If you want him to take the time to get to know you, do that yourself, first. Knowing yourself will make it easier for him to know you, too.
9. Give him a chance to chase you.
Even if you pride yourself on being a modern woman, if you’re doing all the chasing, at some point, you’ll wonder, “If I hadn’t chased him, would he have bothered chasing me?” Let him find out for himself whether he wants you badly enough to go after you and take some actual risks to win you over. If he doesn’t have to, he probably won’t. If he thinks he’s got you in the bag, you won’t know if he’s with you because he wants to be or because you want it more than he wants to be alone. 101 Of The Best Flirty Questions To Ask A Guy 113 Sweet And Sexy Deep Love Messages For Him Write A Thoughtful And Romantic Love Letter To Your Crush Using Our 13 Examples
10. If you go somewhere together, work the room.
If you go to a social gathering together, don’t stay glued to his side, even if you don’t know anyone else there. Show your independence and look around for people who look like they might appreciate some company. Mingle. Find some common ground. Repeat. Show your date you don’t need him to hold your hand throughout the evening. You’ve got untapped people skills. Use them. Give him a chance to call you back to his side so he can introduce you to other people—not because you’re right there already but because he wants you there.
11. Get to know him better before having sex.
Don’t be in a hurry to get naked with this guy. If you want more than casual sex with him, slow down. And see how he takes it. Even if you feel like you two have a special connection, give yourself time and enough distance to figure him out when you’re not looking at him and thinking, “Now’s good. Thinking is overrated. C’mere!” If you’re not 100% sure you’re ready, save it for another day. If he’s a jerk about it, say goodbye and high-five yourself for dodging a bullet.
Does Playing Hard to Get Work?
If you play it the right way, and if this guy is really into you, yes, this will work. As long as you don’t take his interest for granted and play games with him, he’ll be intrigued if he sees that you’re definitely interested in him but that you also have a life you fully intend to keep living — whether he likes it or not. Maybe you want him to be a part of your life, but you’re also independent and confident enough to be okay if he doesn’t want that the way you do. You’ll take the hint and move on. Keep in mind that might be precisely what you need to do. Trust that if the interest is mutual, he’ll find a way to show you. You can both take it from there. Now that you know what it means to play hard to get — in a way that actually works — what points in this post stood out for you? And what will you do differently today?
